Dude, what happened?

That is a question that I find myself asking, as I do the math on my 6 month absence from this site.
Hokay.
So, here it goes.
My last post about the illustrious band, Vista Kicks, came about at a transitional period for me in my life. When I take stock in what was going on, I was generally fairly miserable, to be honest. I loved going out to shows, still, and I was absolutely delighted to write about whoever wanted me to write about them, but there was something percolating in the back of my mind.
Waking up in the morning to go to my day job was like revving up a broken toy. Not broken, but seriously lacking proper function, if that makes any sense. The day job was a fluorescent nightmare, where the only distraction was staring at a computer screen as I willed my e-mail inbox to stop filling up.
Or for the building to catch on fire.

Long story short, it was time for a change. Not only for better pay, but getting off work and going to shows, to keep writing words about wonderful people, was getting impossible. Even though I sat on my ass for 8 hours, I had a hard time even keeping my eyes open on my traffic-swelled commute home.
Eventually, about 2 weeks before the Vista Kicks show, I got a job offer with a stable public entity. The benefits alone made it a huge step in the right direction, even though it was a swing-shift custodial position. Not that there is anything wrong with that, for the record. I mean, I had done it before, and it was closer to where I was living by a long shot.
I wanted it so much more, that I was willing to sacrifice seeing weekday shows, since I would be leaving work at 11 p.m.
I can write and see stuff on the weekend, I reasoned. No biggie at all!
Wrong.
My days were filled with procrastination and anguish over doing even the most basic tasks. Paying bills, texting people back, getting food made in time for work, and even getting into the shower on time, were all worth ignoring as I scrolled on my phone with Netflix in the background.
Into the start of 2019, this was how my days would go, only interrupted to go to work. The only glimmer of positive change was that I joined a gym and started mixing some good old-fashioned sweat into the mix. It helped, and I started eating better, but my brain remained in a fog that I couldn't identify, let alone comprehend.

Finally, benefits kicked in at work, and I had a revelation after the gym one day. I found myself actually getting stressed out about getting home to take a shower, because of all the stuff I had to do.
The stuff that I had to do from yesterday.
And the day before.
And the day before that.
I drove home, white-knuckling the steering wheel as I wondered how I was going to plow through this list of to do items. Sweating like Chris Farley in 1996, I got home and exclaimed to my empty apartment,
"FUCK IT! GET IT DONE!"
And I did. It was literally two bills, a phone call to HR, and taking out the trash. When it was all said and done, I got into the shower as relief washed over me. So heavy was the relief, I just sat there, staring at my fogged-up shower door, wondering what went wrong.
And getting no answer.
Freshly laundered, I got on my computer and did what I always told myself I should do. I looked up a therapist.

From there, I got really lucky. Most people have to shop around for a correct fit, to either their problem, or even their personality. I found one 2 minutes from my apartment, and from our first appointment we had a good understanding and rapport. So much so, that it kinda scared me.
Was it supposed to be this easy?
Even with my hesitation, I went to the 2nd appointment, and got an answer.
Adult ADHD.
Now, I know what you may be thinking, and I was just as perplexed as you are.
But, I'm feeling all these other things, why say ADHD?
She imparted 2 pieces of wisdom that really framed the issue for me. The first one was that adults with ADHD have kids who have it. When I think about the way my family functions, it was super obvious how true that statement was. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that multiple family members would always shrug at the idea, and add,
"Oh yeah, I/So-and-So definitely has it, but its no biggie."
Right away I didn't feel like such a freak of nature. I mean, I dealt with it when I was a younger hellion of a child, but I just thought I grew out of it. The more accurate statement was that I just knew how to deal with it.
That led to the second part, which brought it all home. To make it clearer to me, she compared it to a toothache, or having a headache. You can tolerate the pain, and even shove it away, but as soon as something comes in to add to it, that added thing will always be worse. So much of your energy was dedicated to solving this first problem, that you had nothing left to do anything else.
DING DING DING
I sat in stunned disbelief as she wrote me a prescription. Everything was clicking into place as I drove to the pharmacy, and I felt like the fog of war had finally lifted.
Now I just had to hope the medicine worked.

From pill number 1, it was like the static surrounding my perception was gone. The mountains I had to climb on a moment-to-moment basis were now words on a sheet of paper, easily crossed off as I maneuvered through my day. I didn't have to white-knuckle anything anymore, except to hold on to weights at the gym.
Again, I got EXTREMELY lucky. I won't ever deny that, and I am not going to waste anymore time hiding.

I won't be able to get to most weekday shows, still, and I have made peace with that for the time being. Having a work-life balance I am satisfied with is what I have now, and it gave me a new perspective on what I want to do with this blog.
Poetry has entered my life, funnily enough. It used to be my way of venting my frustrations, my angst, and anything in between; but now I can use it as a new creative outlet that brings me just as much joy as writing about super talented musicians. Hopefully, I can impart that joy onto you lovely people.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that I am back at this.
Forthcoming posts will be poems, and tiny stories that I have written. Themes will be explored, and words will be wielded like flaming swords against the night.
I still will write about local talent in any aspect, but new creative writing works will be the new bulk of my content.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to starting this renewed phase of life with you. Stay tuned.