Life is hard, plain and simple. Bar none.
For some people, it is definitely less hard.
For some people, it is like navigating
a minefield, blindfolded.
And for some people, it’s all in the decisions they make. These decisions
have outcomes. Some would call them consequences, reactions, penance, and other
things I can’t think of at the moment. In this passage, I am diving into the
experiences of one man, which led to a myriad of changes in his life.
This man is Leryan Burrey, and there is a lot for us to talk about when I
meet up with him on a blistering July afternoon in his house out at the fringes
of Sacramento. I am here, plopped on his couch with a cat in my lap looking to
talk about the breakup of the band, Tell the Wolves, which he was the front-man
of.
A 5-piece rock outfit, they made a solid name for themselves in the
Sacramento scene. With Leryan on vocals/guitar, Arianna Kinsella on keyboards,
Ryan Griffith on guitar, Zack Davis on bass, and Ian Moch on drums, they
provided Sacramento with a progressive/alternative rock sound that was both
refreshing and invigorating. So much so, that I wrote about them before, even.
Shameless plug aside, everything came to a head in September of 2016,
when the band announced they were parting ways, despite their position. All the
members of the band have since gone their separate ways, all for reasons I am
hoping Leryan can clarify for me today.
Once we get the A/C rocking and
rolling, I ask him, point blank, who’s idea it was to end it all. He says,
simply,
“Not mine.”
He goes on to clarify that him,
Zack, and Ian wanted to continue, while Arianna and Ryan wanted to go their own
path. The catalyst for the bands finality came when they got together as a band
at Kupro’s in Sac. It proved to be their final meeting, which Leryan clarifies,
hanging his head,
“I made Ari [Kinsella] cry,
which I do feel terrible about…I apologized to her, later…It’s not the first
time I’ve written an apology and she didn’t get back to me.” He goes on to add,
“She [Kinsella] was right, about
a lot of shit. I was a dick because, first and foremost, I wasn’t honest with
them…” He continues to expand on this with a story that proves to be a solid
hint into what was going on. He explains,
“We all got together one night,
the night I jumped out of the car in a drunken stupor…stupid ass...I still have
scars on my hands…I remember telling them we were all one big beautiful mess…”
It seems readily obvious, over
the course of our conversation, that I may have picked up on what was going on
in the background of all this band drama. To which Leryan clarifies very well,
by blurting out,
“We were all a bunch of drunks!
[laughs and shrugs]”
Then I notice the AA themed
books sitting on the back part of Leryan’s couch behind him.
At the time of our interview, he is 20 days sober, and setting himself to
the task of reaching out to the people he has wronged in his own way,
“I’m writing letters to all the people I have harmed…I’m new…I’m still a
new asshole (laughs)…”
Books on a variety of subjects join the AA book on his couch, but Leryan
makes it very clear to me that he is making AA work for him, to his benefit,
ultimately. He explains, shuffling the books out of the way, probably out of
habit,
“I’m already a teacher, so I’m an asshole who teaches himself how to do
it [AA].”
He goes on to add,
“I’m such a lazy fuck, because I am so sensitive and emotional. I have to
sit and, like, write poetry all day, until I’m like, ready to do the dishes.
(laughs).”
The teaching he mentioned before is in reference to the fact that Leryan
is a substitute teacher in the Sacramento area. This career path has proven itself
a good opportunity, not only as a support structure for his recovery, but as a
path to build his future on. He has been teaching for 3 years, 2 years of which
have been as a vocal instructor. He gestures to the half-dozen cardboard boxes
dispersed around his house, which are meant for the summer program he is
teaching. It’s called Creative Brain Learning, and in these boxes are laptops.
From these laptops, the kids will learn how to code and do other various web
design projects.
Over his time as a teacher, a lot of outbursts have been a part of the
process. Puzzled look on my face, I ask him what he means by that. He explains,
“It [teaching] takes a lot of courage. You are facing things that you
never had to face in your life, in order to be an example to these kids…”
Judging from this simple statement, one can get a sense of what he, and
probably a lot of other teachers, have to come up against on a regular basis.
If not every, single day. In addition to teaching, he has also launched himself
back into theater, specifically behind the scene production work at The
Colonial Theater in Sacramento, working most recently on their production of
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. He excitedly adds,
“I’m doing theater again, which is a magical, weird situation…I’m finally
realizing that I think this is what I’m supposed to be doing, but we shall
see.”
He cracks a smile and sighs as he pets the cat, which has now moved to
the center of the entire couch. It’s become very clear to me that these two
pillars in his life, theater and teaching, are forming the bedrock for which
his recovery can build itself on. It’s an interesting framework to have
explained to me but here is always more under the surface.
There is also another underlying issue to add to the obstacles that
Leryan has faced over his entire life, as well as in his music career. Maybe
issue is the wrong word, but it is something a lot of people struggle in
silence over.
Mental health.
Leryan explains, over the course of our conversation,
“I’m pretty sure I have PTSD…I’m pretty sure my family is on the
schizophrenia spectrum…I know I’m psychotic, but I don’t like the stigmas
because I’m a scientist, a social scientist by trade…”
On the that same thread, I inquire on his medication situation. He
explains,
“I think they [doctors] picked the right one [medication]. Before, they
put me on anti-psychotics, that were making me a zombie. This round of meds is
like, ‘No, I’m thinking a lot more clearly’…It’s at least hitting a part of the
problem, where its allowing me to think better instead of dulling how I think
and react completely.”
We continue to chit chat, the A/C in his living room working overtime as
the sun gets a little bit lower in the sky outside. His dog has joined the cat
in lazing around near the couch with us, eager to be part of our conversation.
The conversation turns and reveals yet another form of therapy Leryan has
engaged in. He explains,
“I’ve discovered other art…I’m also getting back into martial arts again,
and it’s been the most incredible experience of my life…another journey of
personal growth. It’s my anti-drug.”
He also adds, with a bit of laughter,
“It teaches you how to survive. You start off as surviving the hour,
until eventually it’s like, time to survive the
minute!”
I have to admit, that one made me laugh.
And it’s fitting that this kind of outlet would become part of Leryan’s
recovery. Getting through the challenges that he has come up against would have
to make one good at taking abuse. Whether its from himself, or from others,
learning how to cope is half the battle. If it means writing poetry, like he
mentioned before, or literally fighting for his life, he will do it. With a
fully stocked toolbox to maintain sobriety and his mental health, Leryan is optimistic,
but still guarded. He explains,
“I’ve had to adjust to a lot in my life, and had to do a lot of major
life changes early on…And with my sensitive ass, just a few life changes are
enough to put me in a mental hospital. (laughs)”
He continues,
“What I’ve gone through in the last year, it’s amazing that I didn’t end
up in an inpatient facility. That I am sitting here in my house, in my own
little private asylum…”
Eventually, the dog moves onto something more interesting, the cat falls
asleep, and our conversation winds down as the cool air now permeates his
entire living space. This conversation proves enlightening and hopeful on
multiple fronts. Enlightening in the sense that Leryan was able to articulate
the full scope of what happened with Tell the Wolves, and the rest of his life
since then. Hopeful, in the sense that it is obvious to me that he wants to get
better and will stop at nothing to accomplish that goal. Armed with tools that
focus on recovery and self-reflection, as well as physical manifestations of
his daily defense against his demons, he is prepared to fight, both literally
and figuratively.
As we all should be, because let’s face it:
Life is hard.
